Accursed Solitude

Silence is my curse

Solitude my unwanted, overbearing friend

They follow me around like the ol’ ball and chain

They drag their feet audibly into every conversation I have

They drudge dirt into the hallways of my hello’s and what’s up’s

They kill hot topics on sight and dismantle conversation to its bare bones, as if trying to create more of themselves and populate the universe

We need to stage an intervention, old friend

I love the solace and comfort you provide to me at the times I need you

But I do desire to have a normal conversation with my neighbor in the elevator and know how to start it without you prematurely suffocating the space I occupy

Why is it that you cause my mind to go blank when I see someone I know or when someone asks me a simple question?

Why is it that you proceed to make me utter a series of noises that can only be described as amazingly awkward for each party involved?

Why is it that you consistently alert me of the correct response 30 minutes after it was required of me to be given?

You have cursed me with solitude so uncomfortable and stifling and inexpressible

It lies blanketed over me, disarming me of any confidence I have left in having successful interactions with another live human being

You have cursed me with an excruciatingly slow process of procuring friends, what little of them I’ve had, usually right before I’m about to move to the next state or country of residence

You additionally seem to find it hilarious to let me enjoy their company only for the number of years I can count on one hand and then proceed to move them far away so I seem to be the only one in town who doesn’t have friends I can just go to a movie or brunch with

Why are you so cruel to me? Me, who has loved you for the peace of mind you gave me, me who has appreciated your gift in life all my life

Of all people, you should be kind to me because I actually understand and enjoy you, and yet it is me you choose to make suffer

I need a break from you, I need to be able to miss you

You are no longer a choice but an imposition

You force me to avoid conversations with regular people on the off chance that I will say something highly questionable and suspicious or inappropriate, all without realizing I have done so until hours after the conversation is painfully ended

You force me to look like a degenerate introvert who has no one to everyone, including my own family

You have isolated my mind to the confined of its own cage, its own conversations and discussions

I have put up with you for so long that I have forgotten what life was like before you

Please, free my of your forceful embrace

I promise that I will always come back to you but please, let me breathe, please let me talk.

3/19/13