Bless me love, for I have sinned

I dream of you most nights

But each time with a different face, a different name

I only know more and more each time that I need you,

I need your marred love and your calloused caress

I need more than anything to know that you love me, however messily,

That at the very least, you are a possibility,

I need to know that I have finally found you amongst the mindless masses that walk by without any significant matter to contain them within the ever fleeting span of my interest.

I don’t need you to be clean cut or manicured, to be perfectly coiffed and clothed in $100 jeans and a meticulously planned outfit

I will love you bedhead and all, clothed in 20 dollar jeans with more concern for practicality than beauty, as a man should be.

I will love you even if you don’t know the perfect things to say, or pen angst ridden poetry before “tearfully beautiful” sunrises or refuse to watch artsy movies with me

I will love you even if you refuse to wax a few unruly chest hairs or trim “down there”, whatever that means; the last thing I need is someone who spends more time in front of a mirror than I do

I don’t need you to be anything you are not, or pretend to be any less man than you are

Because if you aren’t unapologetic for who you are, you will never find peace with someone who hates fake, materialistic people as much as I do.

But now, if you are indeed here to stay, I need to know that I can trust you

That I can hold you to your word as a man,

Yet trust that you will not fall to temptation as easily as most men do.

Tell me you will not fall prey to petty pride and bruise your ego easily on my careless words;

I only tease because I care, because I need to know that you have more cajones than I do sometimes.

I need to know that you can love me for my stubborn strengths and my paradoxical weaknesses.

Forgive me for my fatal inhibitions,

For my timid self-esteem

My irreconcilable need to please those I love, even if it means the ruin of me,

My constant need to test, to make sure you are true to what you say

I am a woman after all, and it seems to be a character flaw of sorts for our kind.

Forgive me if I seem hell bent on pushing you away;

I know my flaws you see, I know that I am not perfect,

And that you deserve a better woman, one who is stronger, pure and endearingly innocent

I am none of these, and I should know,

I’ve lived with the annoying and ongoing drivel in my head, the constant chatter of endless moral debates for a few decades.

My scars can be seen from as far away as my scalding wit keeps others at bay and

My heart is as unreachable as the unscalable walls that surround it;

I love to tell you my imperfections because I’d rather you know them now than discover them later and find me insufferable then,

I’d rather you break my heart now, while I’m still only lightly invested, than later when my heart will be left mauled by your scathing  silences and relieved goodbyes.

Forgive me for my faults, I beg you, my love

I will be the first to admit, I claim to be as close to perfect as a pigsty is to clean.

My innocence was ripped from me before I even knew its significance

And I discovered early the evil men are capable of,

It did leave me scarred, with the knee jerk delight in putting men in their place whenever I can and a deep seated hatred for masochistic, chauvinistic attitudes and for those with irredeemable pride.

I know it may seem immature but my sarcasm is my sole defense, since physical strength cannot be the strong point of a 4’10’’,  100 lb girl with the upper body strength of a 12 yr old;

It’s the only thing that keeps me sane in the face of the irrational, overwhelming world that surrounds me.

I have made it a point to keep myself busy most of my life for fear of loneliness overcoming my already reeling senses,

I learned how to love myself to make up for what I yearned but wasn’t lucky enough to have,

I imagine that’s what love feels like, but a million times better.

You have no idea how badly I yearned for love,

How many times I prayed to the Big Guy to send you my way

I was scared of what I would do to myself if I didn’t find you.

So please, tell me you are real

However imperfect you may be, I only need to know that you are a possibility

My very own to love, my very own to gush over, my very own to call “babe”.

And if you are, I will not fear giving my all for you

I will not fear letting you use me anyway you want

Believe me when I tell you that other than any future sons, you are the only other man who can rule over my heart fully

For you, I will do everything that a modern pseudo- feminist is not supposed to,

For you, I will break all my rules.

For you I will succumb to bollywood’s cheesiest romance, sing in the rain in a slinky yellow sari, sit on your lap and giggle at your jokes, maybe even let a few of mine slide so you feel a little more adept at ‘handling’ me, hug you from behind while you drive your bike … even if only at 20 mph;

For you I will cook your favorite foods, be the stereotypical clingy and scared girl at horror movies, wear skirts and dresses and even heels, write love poems and submit to your ultimate fantasies, for before you I will as helpless as the night sky is to the sun’s burning, insatiable desire and blinding aggression.

I will let you be my all, with no rhyme or reason, as they say,

I promise that I will love you, perhaps a little creepily so, until there is no way to find myself without you.

I promise that my love will be true, it will be wholly and fully me

So give me a possibility, give me a sign

If ever I needed you, it is now.

2/2012